12 Steps to Conflict Resolution &

11 RULES on How to Argue Fairly &

A Husband's Perspective

12 Steps to Conflict Resolution

·         Learn to embrace and resolve conflict.

·         Address your anger appropriately.

·         Seek understanding, not victory.

·         Assume the best.

·         Learn to share your feelings appropriately.

·         Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?

·         Speak the truth respectfully.

·         Attack the problem, not the person. Don't use "You" statements; use "I" statements.

·         Deal with specific areas, not generalizations.

·         Seek and grant forgiveness.

·         Deal with conflict personally. Go to that person. Don't reprimand anyone in front of others.

·         Be gentle. People are fragile.

11 RULES on How to Argue Fairly

•No cursing. This isn’t productive. It also isn’t respectful. If you want respect, then you need to show respect.

•No blaming. Using statements that include the word “you” only puts up defenses. Being on the receiving end of a “you” statement would cause you to attack. It will evoke similar emotions in your partner.

•Do not shout or yell. For some reason, when people feel unheard, they raise their voice. Ironically, while your voice may get louder, the message you want to convey only gets lost. Shouting matches cause irrational responses and elevates angry feelings.

•Use time-outs. If you are finding that the conversation is taking a wrong turn, call a “time out.” end the conversation to allow time for the two of you to cool off. There must be an agreement that you will revisit the issue at a later time. Set that time as soon as possible so the problem doesn’t become swept up under the rug.

•Keep your argument to the current problem. Do not bring up past actions to prove your point. Keep the problem in the present. You cannot change the past. Neither can your partner. Focusing on resolving the current issue will be much more productive.

•Use “I” statements. When trying to explain your belief on an issue, speak from your perspective. Start with saying, “I feel (insert feeling) when (this situation) happens.” Do not say “I feel (insert feeling) when you….” The moment you use “you,” the statement turns into blame and your point will be lost.

•Listen!!! It is really easy to interrupt when anger is involved. However, you won’t know what to respond to if you are not listening. If you want to be heard, you need to give the same courtesy to your partner.

•Watch what your partner ISN’T saying. Did you know that what you say in a conversation only makes up 10% of your message? The remaining 90% comes from what isn’t said: eye contact, body language and voice intonation is more important than the words themselves.

•Express your needs. Let your partner know what you DO need from your partner to resolve the situation. Don’t point out to your partner their shortcomings or their errors. Keep it positive and focus on what needs to be done now to resolve the conflict.

•Clarify with your partner. Making assumptions as to what your partner is trying to say can lead to more misunderstandings. To ensure you understand what is said, say to your partner, “So what I hear you saying is…” This way if you misconstrued something, your partner has the opportunity to clarify their message. Your partner needs to give you the same courtesy.

•Learn to compromise. There is nothing wrong with having a difference of opinion over a specific issue. Compromising doesn’t mean “giving in.” It means coming to a midway point where both of you can co-exist and resolve the problem in a way that both of you can live with.

Using these guidelines can help you discuss differences more productively without resorting to hurtful remarks or misunderstandings. Implementing these tips may feel strange at first, especially since they may seem odd. If you adhere to these rules, your conversations and expressing your differences will eventually become easier.  

A Husband's Perspective on Homeschooling 

"Homeschooling gives me an emboldened sense to do the supernatural when it comes to work.  I see them having fun learning and enjoying life.  I come home to see the three of them with wide-eyed wonder and tiredness from having done all the fun things in their day.  

I don't come home to tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, cranky kids.  Them having spent their day with Stacey is very, very satisfying to me.  It gives me a renewed sense of purpose every day I walk out the door to work. I don't suffer from the proverbial, "What am I working so hard for?"  

~ Francisco